"Ciao" Tina's Adventures of Bits & Bats "Ciao"

"I would like to share with you all some of my Nana's work."

You see, my Nana used to write her own children's plays & Poems

which her own children & there friends would perform for the neighborhood way back in the 60's.

So in memory of my Nana & especially on the 5th of May which would have been her 88th Birthday.

I present...

"The Uplands Player."

"The Stone Witch Of Sugar House Wood"

by
D. I. McCardell.

Scene 1. In a wood. There is a statue of an ugly witch on one side. Song heard off stage, 4 children come in singing.

Joan: Gosh we've walked a long way.

Susan: Yes I'm tired.

Peggy: Come here & I will give you a piggy back, lift her up Ann. (Ann lifts her up)

Ann: We shouldnt be far off the main road & then we can find a shop & get some pop.

Susan: And chocolates.
Joan: I'd rather have crisps.

Peggy: I hope they sell cheese & onion ones, they're the best.

Ann: Come on then all of you or the shop will be closed & then we wont get pop.

Susan: Or chocolate

Peggy: Or crisps.

(They start walking again)

Joan: Whats that funny thing over there it just looks like a...a...

Ann: A witch.

Joan: That's right a witch.

Peggy: It is a witch, dont you know the story of the stone witch of Sugar House Wood.

All: No.

Peggy: Well lets all sit down here by the statue & I will tell it to you.

(They all sit down)

Peggy: Once upon a time there was a boy called Hansel & he had a young sister called Greral, like we have done today they decided to have a walk through these woods & like us they began to feel tired & hungry so.......

Scene 2. Same but no witch statue, Enter Hansel holding Gretal's hand.

Hansel: Are you getting tired Gretal?

Gretal: Yes I am a bit, your legs are longer than mine.

Hansel: Well you wanted to come with me, I didnt ask you to come.

Gretal: (Nearly crying) There was nobody else to play with me.

Hansel: Oh stop crying, girls are soft.

Gretal: I'm not but I'm hungry.

Hansel: There's a house over there, shall we go & see if they will give us something to eat, I'm hungry too.

Gretal: What a lovely house Hansel, isn't it pretty.

Hansel: Gosh look its all made out of sweets.

Gretal: Oooo.

(They start eating Bits off the house, the witch appears at the door)

Witch: What are you two children up to?

(Hansel & Gretal cling to each other)

Witch: Dont be frightened my pretty chicks I wont hurt you. Come inside with me & I will give you some nice sweets to eat.

(They go in slowly. Witch gives a horrid laugh as she shuts the door)

Scene 3. In the witch's house. Hansel is in a cage, Gretal is brushing the floor. The witch is mixing something in a bowl on the table. She takes it over to Hansel in the cage.

Witch: Come on boy eat this, I want to make you nice & fat & then you will be ready for me to eat, Ha ha. Let me see your finger to see how far you are.

(She feeds Hansel out of the bowl)

Witch to Gretal: I'm going out to pick some fruit, wash the dishes & dust the place while I am out. (She goes to the door & then turns back to get a big key off a nail) I must'nt leave this must I my pretties, I cant have you opening the cage & letting your brother out can I, Ha ha! (She goes out)

Gretal: Oh Hansel, I'm so miserable, what shall we do.

Hansel: I've got an idea Gretal, give me a twig.

(Gretal goes to the door & comes back with a twig & gives it to him)

Gretal: What do you want it for.

Hansel: When the witch asks to see my finger I will show her this & then she will think I am too thin to eat.

(The witch comes back with second witch. She hangs key up again)

1st Witch: These are my two beauties. (She goes to Gretal) I will keep this one to do the work for me. (She goes to Hansel) And this one....... I'm going to eat, Ha ha!

2nd Witch: He doesn't look very fat to me, let me see your finger boy (Hansel shows her the twig) See what did I say, He's not worth eating.

1st Witch: There's no hurry, I will soon fatten him up. Sit down sister & we will have a drink & forget about these two.

(She brings a bottle & glasses & they start drinking & laughing)

2nd Witch: Have you still got your magic cloth that changes people to stone.

1st Witch: Yes.

2nd Witch: Let me see it. (First witch brings it to her) Oh its lovely, Its beautiful, I think I will keep it, Ha ha!

1st Witch: Oh no you wont.

2nd Witch: Oh yes I will.

(They fight over the cloth & fall on floor, Gretal grabs the cloth & throws it over the 1st witch who turns to stone)

2nd Witch: (Screams) I'm getting out of here quick before she turns me into stone too.

Hansel: Oh Gretal you are cleaver, get the key & let me out.

(Gretal gets the key & opens the cage & lets Hansel out)

Hansel: (Hugging Gretal) I dont think girls are soft after all, come on lets go home. (They go out hand in hand)

Scene 4: Same as first scene, children sitting by statue.

Peggy: And so Hansel & Gretal went home to their Mother & Father & lived happy ever after.

Joan: And what happened to the second witch.

Peggy: She ran away & was never seen again. The house soon fell down & just left the statue of the witch.

Ann: (Standing up & looking at statue) I'm glad they turned her into stone, she was horrid.

Susan: She's got an ugly face.

(They all laugh)

Peggy: (Getting up) Come on, lets start walking again.

Joan: Lets say goodbye to the stone witch first.

Peggy: Yes, lets all dance round her & sing a song.( They dance round & sing)
The End

CAST

Peggy .......... Lynne Walker
Ann .......... Wendy McCardell
Susan .......... Shirley Wild
Joan .......... Denise Wild
Hansel .......... Denise Wild
Gretal .......... Wendy McCardell
1st Witch ........ Heather McCardell
2nd Witch ........ Lynne Walker
From left to right, My Dad & Mum, Alan & Cousin Jennifer, Auntie Linda, Aunt Gladys, Nana, Auntie Heather, Grandad & Auntie Wendy.
**************************************
"I WISH"
by
D. I. McCardell.

Scene 1 Living room of Jill & Chris house

Jill is seated at table learning a poem from an open book.

Jill: I wish old Martin had given us a decent poem to learn instead of this soppy thing. Better still I wish she hadn't given us a poem to learn at all.
(She continues reciting)
(Enter Chris with tablecloth)
Chris: What's that trash you are learning.
Jill: A Prayer by E. Callender. It's not fair having to learn a poem while we are on holiday. I wish we had Miss Proffit for English instead of old Martin. Trust her to keep us at it while we are off. I wish she would get sunstroke while she's on holiday in Italy & then we would have some peace for a while. I wish she would choke eating her Italian spaghetti or a mosquio would bite her where it would hurt most.
Chris: Hold on Jill, Mum & Dad are in Italy too dont forget. You dont want any of these things happening to them.

Jill: Gosh no, I wish the week would soon be over. Its not as much fun as I thought it would be without Mum & Dad.

Chris: Oh stop wishing & move off the table so that we can have our tea. (Knock at back door)
That will be Mary Rose again, she's always wanting something (Goes to door) Come in.
(Enter Mary Rose)
Mary Rose: My Mam says have you got a shilling for two sixpences for the gas.
(Chris goes for purse in drawer & gives her the shilling)
Mary Rose: Ta ta then.
Jill: Queer Kid that, I wish she wouldn't keep saying "Ta ta then"
(Jill continues learning poem while Chris sets table.)
(Knock at front door. Chris answers it & returns)
Chris: It's a fairy!
Jill: And my old mans a dustman, Dont be daft.
Chris: It is honestly.
Jill: Oh she'll be giving pound notes out if we use Fairy Snow or something. What did she say?
Chris: She didn't say anything.
Jill: It cant be Fairy Snow, they were snowmen.
Chris: Perhaps its Omo & we haven't any.
Jill: No they were Rainbow men.
Chris: And its not egg week, they were chicks.
Jill: Well we cant leave her standing there, tell her to come in Chris.
(Chris goes to door & comes back with fairy)
Fairy: I am Sylvia the Silver Wishing Fairy. You have wished twenty-two times in the last hour, so I will give you this silver ball. I will grant you just three wishes in the next three days.
(Gives ball to Jill, waves her wand & flies away)
Jill: Well! If it wasn't the 1st of April 1966 I would say she was a real fairy.
Chris: Dont be silly, it will be some sort of television stunt. Perhaps we are on Candid Camera.
(They both look around for microphones)
Chris: Oh come on Jill, put your magic ball on the sideboard & lets have tea.
(Jill puts ball down & they start eating)
Chris: I dont like these shop cakes much, do you?
Jill: No they are to sickly, I wish I had a piece of Mother's home made fruit cake.
(Enter Fairy with piece of cake)
Fairy: Your wish is my command.
Both: Gosh!
Chris: It really works, oh Jill do be careful what you are wishing in future. You are always wishing some mad thing.
(They continue to eat)

(knock at back door, Chris goes & returns with Mary Rose)

Mary Rose: My Mam says do you know the right time.

Chris: (looking at watch) It's twenty to.

Mary Rose: Thanks, Ta ta then. (Exits)

Jill: Oh I wish she would get l------

(Chris rushes to her & puts her hand over her month)

Chris: Stop Jill, Remember the silver ball.

Jill: Oh crumbs, I nearly did.

(Knock at back door, Chris goes & returns with Mary Rose)

Mary Rose: My Mam says have you got sixpence for her to go & phone.

(Chris goes for purse & gives her the money)

Mary Rose: Thanks, Ta ta then.

Jill: Oh that kid. I wish she would drop D----.

Chris: (Rushing over to her again) Stop, Stop. The ball!

Jill: Oh I must stop saying I wish.

(Chris counts money)

Chris: I hope we have enough money to last until Mum & Dad come home. We will have to be careful what we buy, No more cream cakes.

Jill: Its harder work looking after ourselves than I thought it would be, I wonder what it feels like to have loads of money. I wish we had bags & bags of it all over the house.

(Enter Fairy with bags of money)

Fairy: Your wish is my command.

(Fairy keeps coming in with bags of money)

Scene 2. Same room as before, money still there.
(Chris is seated on floor)
Chris: I'm fed up, there's no room to sit down even.
Jill: I dont mind that so much as people calling all the time. You would wonder how everyone knew about the money.
(Knock at door, Chris goes & returns with a pile of letters. They start opening them)
chris: (reading) The R.S.P.C.A. want £100. The N.S.P.C.C. want £200. The Red Cross, they arent as greedy they only want £75.
Jill: This one is from The Friends of the Teetotallers, they want a yearly subscription of £30, & The Bootle Prize Band would like £500, for new instruments. What cheek.
(Knock at back door)
Jill: If thats Mary Rose again for shillings for the gas, I will scream.
Chris: It wont be, its the front door.
(She goes & returns with woman)
1st Woman: You dont know me. but I'm your Aunt Celia.
Chris:(Quietly) Never heard of her.
1st Woman: I just happened to be passing so I thought I'd call, you see I'm in a bit of trouble. My landlord wont let me keep my three dogs & four cats in my room, so I have to get out but I've no money. Now if you could just lend me say £500, there's a little cottage I could buy where I could keep my pets.
Jill: (Ushering her out) If you leave us your address we will come round & see you next week with the money.
1st Woman: But my poor pets, I need the money today.
Chris: Our Aunt Celia, just as if.
(Knock at back door, Mary Rose enters)
Mary Rose: My Mam says have you got five sixpences to put in the telly, we want to watch Batman.
(Chris gives it to her)
Mary Rose: Thanks, Ta ta then.

Jill: Oh that kid, I wish ------

Chris: Dont. You've only got one more wish left, be careful.

(Knock at front door, Chris goes)

Voice: Telegram.

Jill: Who is it from?

Chris: (opening it) The Fellowship of One Armed Women, they need £50 urgently, I wonder what for.

Jill: Perhaps they've met some one armed bandits.

(They laugh)

(Knock at front door, Chris goes & returns with Second Woman)

2nd Woman: Good day, I'm from the N.W.E.B. I'm sure you are interested in our feathered friends. I would like you to donate a small sum - say about £125 for the new bird's sanctuary at Wayling island.

Jill: (Ushering her out) Yes, Well if you will leave us your name & address we will send it to you.

(Woman goes out muttering)

(Knock at back door, Enter Mary Rose)

Mary Rose: My Mam says have you got £2 to pay the coal-man until Dad comes home.

(Chris gives it to her)

Mary Rose: Thanks, Ta ta then.

(Knock at front door, Chris brings in third woman)

3rd Woman: I wonder if you can help me, I am arranging a trip to Lourdes for all the children in Bentick who wear glasses, we need £100 for each child & we have fifty names so far. If you gave us the £5,000 we can go next week.

Jill: (Ushering her out) Yes well Madam, if you will let us have your name & address we will send it on to you.

(Knock at back door, Enter Mary Rose)

Mary Rose: My Mam says ----

Jill: Oh just give her the money Chris & lets not hear what her mam says this time.

(Chris gives it to her)

Mary Rose: Thanks, Ta ta then.

Chris: (Rushing over to Jill) Dont wish anything on her for goodness sake.

(Knock at front door, Chris brings in Fourth woman)

4th Woman: I am the secretary for Bentick Carnival & we hope to collect £2,000 for local charities, so far we've got £1.9.11d. So if you would care to make a donation we would be very, very grateful.

Jill: (Ushering her out) Well if you will kindly leave us your name & address we will let you have it soon.

(Knock at back door, Enter Mary Rose)

Mary Rose: My Mam says -------

Jill: Oh no, I can't stand any more of this. I wish.

Chris: Oh be careful Jill.

Jill: I wish.

Chris: Its the last wish, Mind what you say.

Jill: (Holding silver ball) I wish, I wish this damned play was finished.

(Enter Fairy)

Fairy: Your wish is my command.

She hits them all on the head with her wand, they collapse, Fairy draws curtains.
The End

********************
Day In Day Out.
By
D. I. McCardell
Scene 1. Outside Mrs Morgan's House, Enter Children Playing Ball.
Janet: Let's play here outside Mrs Morgan's house.
Brenda: You are awful Janet.
Janet: Well she's so bad tempered.
Carol: She shouts at everyone.
Diana: She's proper crabby.
Brenda: If we make a big noise she will come out and shout at us.
Carol: She looks so funny when she is in a temper.
(They play ball and make a noise,the ball goes into Mrs Morgan's garden, Diana thew it in.)
Janet: Thats done it.
Brenda: You threw it in Diana so you can go and get it.
(Diana goes into garden, the others are shouting and telling her where it is, Mrs Morgan comes out of the door)
Mrs Morgan: Get out of my garden you cheeky children.
Carol: We only want our ball.
Mrs Morgan: You shouldn't be playing here, why don't you go and play in the park. I'm fed up with the noise you make I get no peace, it's the same day in day out, week in week out, get away from here all of you.
(The children run off and she goes back in)
Scene 2. Same as before a little later, enter children singing.
Day in Day out,
Week in Week out,
Month in Month out,
Year in Year out.
Carol: Old Mrs Morgan will be out shouting at us again.
Diana: Let's shout louder and make sure she hears us.
(They sing "Day In Day Out" again)
Brenda: The old woman must be deaf if she can't hear that.
Janet: Perhaps she's gone out, we could get our ball while she is out.
Daina: I'll have another look for it.
(She goes into the garden and looks for ball, Carol follows her in)
Carol: I wonder what her house is like inside.
Brenda: I bet it's like a pig-sty.
(Carol climbs up and looks through window)
Carol: It's not you know, it's lovely and clean.
Janet: You are nosey Carol, it's rude to look through people's windows.
Carol: Well Mrs Morgan is so bad tempered she doesn't deserve anyone to be nice to her.
Diana: Move over and let me have a dekko, ( She climbs up and looks through) it's dark in there.
Brenda: Oh come on we are wasting our time here, come on Diana.
Diana: Just a mimute there's something on the floor by the table.
Janet: Mrs Morgan's sack of money I bet.
( They laugh)
Diana: No it isn't, It's Mrs Morgan herself and she can't get up.
Carol: We had better see if her back door is open and go and help her.
Scene 3. Inside Mrs Morgan's house, mrs Morgan is on the floor.
Janet: It's open. do you think we should go in.
Brenda: Of course we should, we can't leave her lying on the floor.
(Enter children and they go over to Mrs Morgan)
Carol: What's the matter Mrs Morgan, can't you get up?
Mrs Morgan: No I must have broken my leg.
(The children try to lift her up)
Mrs Morgan: Oh don't touch me, I'm in agony go for Dr Edwards quick.
Diana: Come on Brenda, we can telephone at the corner of Richmond Terrace.
Janet: Have you got 3d?
Diana: No, have you?
Mrs Morgan: Give me my purse off the sideboard.
(Carol gives it to her and Mrs Morgan gives her 3d, Diana and Brenda go out)
Mrs Morgan: (Groaning) Oh dear, I'll never be able to walk again, what ever will I do.
Janet: Don't worry you'll be alright, perhaps you haven't broken it after all.
Mrs Morgan: Yes I have, I know I have, Oh what shall I do.
Carol: The doctor will soon put it right, I broke my collar bone once and it was nothing. I couldn't do any writing at school.
Mrs Morgan: I'm in agony.
Janet: Would you like a drink of water.
Mrs Morgan: Yes give me a drink, that might help.
( Janet goes out and comes back with a glass of water)
(Enter Diana and Brenda)
Brenda: Dr Edwards is coming right away and says you mustn't move.
Mrs Morgan: I can't move, Im in agony.
(Knock knock)
Mrs Morgan: That will be her now, open the door one of you please.
(Carol opens door, Doctor enters)
Dr Edwards: Well now Mrs Morgan, what have you been doing?
Mrs Morgan: Oh doctor I've broken my leg, i know I have.
Dr Edwards: Let me have a good look and we'll see what we can do.
(She examines leg)
Dr Edwards: No you haven't broken it.
Mrs Morgan: Are you sure doctor?
Dr Edwards: Yes I'm sure Mrs Morgan, but you've sprained your ankle and I will have to bind it up, and you will have to stay in bed a few days to get over the shock.
Mrs Morgan: But I've never stayed in bed in all my life, I've nobody to see to me, and you're not sending me to one of those hospitals because I won't go.
Dr Edwards: You will have to ask a relative to come and attend to you.
Mrs Morgan: (sadly) I have no relatives.
Dr Edwards: I'm sorry then, you would be better in hospital for a few days.
Mrs Morgan: No doctor no.
Janet: Doctor we could come in and do things for Mrs Morgan. We don't go back to school until a week on Wednesday.
Dr Edwards: There you are Mrs Morgan, how about that?
Mrs Morgan: Well I'm not going into hospital so I suppose they can manage.
Dr Edwards: Right then, let me get this ankle bound up now and we will see about getting you to bed.
Scene 4. Same as scene 3. mrs Morgan is in bed. Janet, Carol and Brenda are in room.
Carol: Diana is a long time buying that fish for you Mrs Morgan, i think she must be catching it.
Brenda: You should have gone with her Carol to hurry her up, you know what she's like if she gets talking to someone.
Janet: Everything else will be ready before she's even brought the fish.
Carol: Wait until she comes back I'll hit her with the fish.
(They all laugh)
Mrs Morgan: Don't get on to her, she's a good kid you are all good kids. I don't know what I would have done without you, I wasn't going into any hospital.
Brenda: I don't know about the others but I've enjoyed coming to help you.
Janet: Yes I have too, I hate holidays you get fed up having nothing to do.
(Enter Diana)
Carol: Where've you been all this time.
Janet: Have you been to Fleetwood for the fish?
Brenda: I bet you've been talking to someone like I said.
Diana: Well as a matter of fact....... I have.
Brenda: See what did I tell you.
Janet: Oh come on never mind where you have been lets get the fish cooked, Mrs Morgan must be starving.
Mrs Morgan: Well I do feel a bit hungry.
Carol: Come on then Diana, give me the fish.
(Diana gives it to her and Carol goes into kitchen)
Janet: You were out ages, who were you talking to anyway.
Diana: I met that new girl out of our class, I couldn't hurry away from her as she doesn't know many people here and must be lonly.
Brenda: You mean that girl that talks funny?
Diana: Yes, She told me she used to have a horse of her own where she came from.
(Carol enters)
Carol: I don't believe her, I bet she didn't even have a gold fish never mind a horse.
Janet: Just because you haven't got a horse doesn't mean she didn't have one.
Brenda: Perhaps everybody has a horse in Australia.
Mrs Morgan: Did you say Australia?
Diana: Yes that's where she comes from.
Mrs Morgan: My daughter lives in Australia.
Carol: I didn't think you had any children Mrs Morgan.
Mrs Morgan: Yes I had a daughter and she went to Australia.
Janet: Does she write to you. Have you any Australian stamps, our Jim collects foreign stamps he's got hundreds.
Diana: Don't be nosey Janet.
Mrs Morgan: That's alright love, No she has never written. I didn't want her to marry this Australian she met and we quarrelled over him, so I've never heard from her. We used to live down Myrtle Street then but they've knocked all those old houses down now, she was a pretty girl my Sheila was.
Diana: Sheila!
Mrs Morgan: Yes she was called Sheila.
Diana: This girl in our class is called Sheila.
Mrs Morgan: Sheila what?
Diana: Sheila Chapman.
( Mrs Morgan looks stunned and there is a silence)
Mrs Morgan: That's my daughter's name.
Carol: Oh Mrs Morgan she might be your grand daughter.
Brenda: Wouldn't it be marvellous if she were.
Mrs Morgan: Nice things like that don't happen to me love, Australia is a big place and there must be lots of Sheila Chapmans living there.
Janet: But it just might be your daughter and grand daughter.
( Diana slips quietly out while they are talking)
Mrs Morgan: Eye! And pigs might fly if they had wings, (They Laugh) What about that fish, you had better see if it is cooked.
Carol: Gosh, I had forgotten all about the fish.
(She goes out)
Brenda: Where's your tray Mrs Morgan?
Mrs Morgan: I don't know.
Janet: Who had it last?
Brenda: Diana took it into the kitchen, Diana where's the tray (She looks around) Diana where's the tray?
Janet: You mean where's Diana..... Diana..... Diana?
Carol: (From kitchen) I don't know she's not in here.
Brenda: She could have said she was going instead of just disappearing like that.
Janet: She must have seen someone she knows through the window and gone out to talk to them, you know what Diana is like for talking (She looks through window) I can't see her anywhere. (She stays looking through window) Yes, I can she's coming up the road with a lady, It looks like Mrs Norris.... No it isn't it's more like Mrs Davies.
Brenda: Janet's being nosey again.
Janet: No it's not Mrs Davies, It's a stranger to me. Oh she's bringing her up the path. (Brenda goes to window too)
Brenda: Who is it?
(Diana comes in, Mrs Chapman stands in doorway and looks at Mrs Morgan then slowly goes towards her)
Mrs Chapman: Mother.
Mrs Morgan: Sheila...... My Sheila.
(She goes over and they embrace)
Carol: Come on girls, Mrs Morgan doesn't need us any more.
The End.
************************
WHY WORRY

There are only two things to worry about, either you are well or you are sick, if you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are two things to worry about.

Either you will get well or you will die, if you get well there is nothing to worry about, if you die there are only two things to worry about.

Either you will go to Heaven or Hell, if you go to Heaven there is nothing to worry about, but if you go to Hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry!
© Copyright D.I. McCardell 1967
In Loving Memory Of My Nana
5/5/1921 to 24/10/2002